Homosexuality to Holiness Part III – Transition to Christianity

History with God

You don’t recognize God until you have an encounter with Him through His Spirit. He is revered but if there is no one – on – one encounter with Him you cannot place a personal value on the information given. I knew of God and attended church services and Christian camps when younger. Sadly, I did not value the experience because of the absence of a one – on – one personal encounter with this God. Unfortunately, I never desired one either.

During these moments in the Christian space, I cannot recall much emphasis being placed on the personal relationship with God. I would see persons cry in moments of worship and become passionate about God but I never understood why. My experiences with God were limited to what I saw around me and the prayers I recited nightly as a child with my father before bed.

Inner Turmoil

There was no acknowledgment of God in my older years because He didn’t matter to me. I was aware of His existence but He was nowhere near my personal space. So, when I began to experience my spiritual awakening (as I refer to it), I did not know how to process it. 

I sat upright in the bed of my then girlfriend with tear filled eyes wondering if this was what I had become; A lesbian? I thought of the desire to have children of my own and how impossible and unnatural that would be. I thought of the complex life ahead as an out lesbian in Jamaica. “Was it really worth it?” “Was this what I had wanted?”

 “What’s wrong?” She asked.

For days on end, she would ask this question. Tears were my only response. I struggled with the thought of breaking her heart. Although mine was already breaking by a power my mind could not comprehend. My heart knew that it was time.

Early Awakening

I remember joking about how this lesbian phase would pass.”I feel like one day I am going to marry a Rastaman, have his children and fulfil the prophecy.” I tweeted.

It was a joke for me at first. I operated on feelings a lot and being tired of thinking I operated off of free will. I felt as though my life had taken a turn for the worst and that route led me to places unimaginable. It was so wrong but it felt good.

How did I get here? Deep down I was devastated.

Spiritual Experiences

Dr. Matthew Stevenson mentioned in one of his recent sermons that when there is a great call on your life the transition process for you is INTENSE. My transition process was spiritually intense. There were moments when I could feel every war, petition, and attack being strategised by the enemy to win my soul. I could tell there were many meetings in the heavens where my name came up. Invisible eyes watched my every move and through it all, I could sense the Spirit of God watching over me – though I had no name for Him yet. It was a spiritual war for my life. Jesus had the final say but Satan would try his best to deny that. And, I allowed him for a while with my choices.

The higher power – God – began to have an effect on me. I was filled with remorse, regret and a desire to be better than what I became.  The war for my soul was intense and there were random attacks to end my life. I recall driving and feeling a force of some kind trying to cause me to lose control of the vehicle. 

What was so important about me that God wanted me this much and the enemy wanted to prevent that meeting?

Power of Prayer

My parents knew about my lifestyle. You can’t hide much from parents. But my mother, oh my Christian mother, despised every fibre of my existence I believed. She passionately hated my sin and she did not hesitate to make it known. I was spiralling down a wild path and her warnings had no effect on me. And, in a desperate attempt to regain her daughter, she resorted to prayer and fasting. Although my experiences with God began before my mother began to pray, I believe true power manifested when she embarked on the Daniel Fast. 

Through the power of God, she would know my whereabouts,  the names of the people I was with. She could share details about my lifestyle that I never shared with anyone. And, I believe God used her to establish the reality of His existence to me. My fears and my defences were slowly receding and I was in a state of ‘pre-surrender’. 

Total Surrender

I view the moment I surrendered my life to God as heaven coming down to meet me. It was an unearthly experience full of drama and excitement. It was as though God held me in His hands and said: “come, my child, it is time”. The Friday night before this encounter, I was at the peak of my inner turmoil and spiritual awakening. God needed me but when I thought about all I had to give up, I wasn’t ready. I wasn’t ready to hurt my girlfriend and the enemy was not going to let God win so easily so he held on and fought.

One aspect of me wanted to run to God but the enemy’s influence made me afraid to run to God for many bogus reasons. I did everything in my power to drown out the intensity of what I was experiencing. That Friday night, I was in Bacchanal – a soca party – having the time of my life. I was bent on rebelling against the ‘summoning’ that I drank so much alcohol and even then I could not deny that I had a choice to make. It felt like my final night in a party setting and I knew the moment I walked out that was it.

Jeremiah 1:5

Many events led to the moment I said yes but one particular moment remains purposeful in my mind. As I mentioned earlier, my mother was praying for my salvation and she played a key role in me becoming the Christian woman I am today. That Saturday morning she left for prayer meeting and left her bible on the living room sofa. I didn’t sleep at home that Friday night before, but I remember being so uncomfortable in my girlfriend’s room that I cried the entire night and I remember sending my mom a text that read “please pray for me”. At home the next day she gave me a final warning and something came over me that I sent a text to my girlfriend ending the relationship. Of course, as expected, that didn’t go so well. She was livid. The scripture Jeremiah 1:5 popped in my head and I searched for a bible. There, on the sofa,  the bible my mother left was opened to Jeremiah 1:5 and that was all the comfort and confirmation I needed. At that moment I didn’t feel afraid or crazy. I was at the right moment.

Final Attempt

My girlfriend was livid but I loved her and felt I needed to help her transition into not having me around. I finally explained to her what had been going on with me and there was an intense need to not leave her behind. She needed to be saved too. I had spent the Sunday night at her house and asked her to walk me home the next day. When I arrived home my mother was in warfare mode and the salvation process began. That morning, prayer meeting met deliverance service and warfare broke out in my home.

My mother warred for my soul that morning and stripped me of all the emblems I had acquired to symbolise my emotional hurt over the years. At that moment I became free and the desire I had for my partner became a desire for God to also set her soul free. I did my sinner’s confession and declared that Jesus is now Lord of my life. And, I am happy to report that my friend has also declared Jesus as Lord of her life. My life since then has not been the same but don’t you know that the enemy attends your churches too?

Stay subscribed for Part IV of this series where I share how many members of the church who knew of my past “welcomed” me home. If you missed the last two blog posts, here they are.

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