Homosexuality to Holiness Part II – Two Years Gay

No one is born gay. We all come to a point in life where we need to identify with something. Usually, the prominent desires of our hearts fuel this identity choice. Unfortunately, for many, these desires include intense physical attraction to the same sex.

Memory Lane

When I got saved I thought about my choices to get involved in a lesbian lifestyle. “Nah, it was just a phase.” were among the excuses I made while attempting to separate myself from that reality. “No, that wasn’t me”. It was just my choices, right? God quickly stopped me in my tracks. I made CHOICES that formed my reality. There was no one to blame and no situation could solely bear the weight of what I had created for myself. The circumstances influenced said choices but the choices were made. I began to search within for an answer for what fueled these choices.

My Own Issue

Outside of my five-year relationship hurt, I realized that the absence of my mother greatly contributed to this “attraction” toward females. I subconsciously missed female contact and affection. I was lacking that which God created to be shared between mother and daughter. Healthy, platonic, female to female bonds were what I truly needed but the enemy’s job is to thwart anything God designed to be good.

Analysis

There is one quality I have always possessed and that is being a deep thinker who analyzes human behaviour and the underlying reasons for specific human behaviours. I often tried to understand the persons I was intimately involved with; as in any healthy, intimate relationship. The first girl I was with had a damaged relationship with her mother and suffered sexual abuse from her uncle. She had a strong dislike for men and an equally strong dysfunctional relationship with her mother. This was common among the few women I had interacted with. And, these factors seemed to be in the foundation of the wall that was erected between their God-given identity and how they defined themselves.

DISCLAIMER: I am no Psychologist. Therefore, I make no diagnosis of human behaviour. I am simply highlighting what I found common among these young women of a particular lifestyle.

The One

I had found the one my soul loves or so I told myself. What is love really? One can truly be convinced that he is in love when there is no evidence to support his claim. How can one know love when he has never been exposed to the greatest love of all who is Christ Jesus?

I found myself in a serious lesbian relationship. This one felt like THE ONE. I was so bent on creating what I thought was a perfect reality that I took whatever facts I could imagine and made them into something tangible. It felt like God had crossed our paths for divine reasons. We were both in a broken state I believe. You heard all my problems in Part One of this series and she had her fair share of her own issues. Similarly to girl number one, there were absent mommy issues, as well as distasteful encounters with the opposite sex in the past. The devil created the perfect experiences to lead us into the trap he had waiting for us later in life. I imagined myself married with children with this girl. I know right? In all honesty, I was simply trying to figure out how I was going to live out this lie. Planning ahead seemed practical but was too heavy on the conscience.

Reality Hit

Images of my true identity constantly came alive in my mind and even then the enemy would try to thwart my imagery. I told myself that if this too did not work out, I was going to fully submerge myself into the Rastafarian culture. The transition had already begun in my mind.

“YOU ARE A CHILD OF GOD…”  my thoughts reminded me.

As time went by and all the fun became too real for me, I began to assess the weight of my decisions. I also felt that God was pulling me closer to Him. My sin became evident and the burden was heavy. My place in her bed became too uncomfortable to sleep in at night. It wasn’t her; it was me.

The seeds of Christianity planted from my youth weighed heavily on my mind. I became an emotional wreck. The implications of my choices were laid before me. “If I walk away she would be too hurt.” “How will I move on from this?” When words failed me I moped and cried. I knew deep down that a change was happening. I was being summoned and there was nothing I could have done to prevent it. But, how does one surrender when the greatest sin of all has been committed? To be continued…

Read Part III here and sign up below for post notifications.

[arrow_forms id=’2702′]

Purchase The Anointed Writer’s Latest Publication here on Amazon