Read these words out loud: “My Mistakes Are NECESSARY.”
“I stood reflecting at how I was confused and distracted by you. Only to realize that you came – as a mistake – to teach me all the things I shouldn’t do when God sends ‘THE ONE'”… (reflections)
I was never a “good girl”. Well, maybe I was once upon a time. A time long before my mother left to help to provide and give us (her children) a “better life”. Perhaps I was a “good girl” once upon a time. A time before I had hit rock bottom and went through depression. A time before I felt so alone. A time when all the persons I loved left – emotionally and physically. A time before I just gave up and had no care in the world. Of course, I was a good girl when all seemed to be perfect but life would soon happen. Mistakes were there to be made.
I began rebelling at the tender age of 13. It was around the time my mother had to migrate to work and I didn’t understand why. It really hit me hard realizing that I would no longer have the person I lived every single day seeing for my entire life upon that point. I was broken. Being the introvert that I am, the only way I knew how to cope was to remain silent and internalize. Taking on all the weight of my emotions and bearing the burden of the pain from all my hurt.
She left and my father tried his best to remain but he soon left – emotionally; he checked out. Without realizing, he abandoned his family. He abandoned his place in the foundation of the family and the ground was now loosened. The foundation was shaken. It now had loopholes for every attack of the enemy to enter in. Nothing was the same since.
I met who I thought was the love of my life around the same time. Conveniently, the enemy sent the replacement for my source of love; a replacement that I didn’t need. The process began. He filled every void and gave me everything I needed. I fell deeper and deeper. I slowly became attached and the union slowly became toxic. I gave away everything that was valuable to me and he took every last thing. I was stripped of who I was. I was stripped of who I wanted to be. I neglected everything I believed in and fed on the lie the devil sold me. He sold me the perfect package. He presented an attractive deal I wouldn’t want to reject. I bought it with my all and kept paying installments. I was being broken by the devil only to be built by God. God gave the devil permission because He had a plan.
I began failing school but it didn’t matter because I had my package. I had no care in the world. Nothing mattered but keeping this unholy package safe and I did everything to keep it. Unfortunately, one day it left me. It left me and drove me deeper in the ground. Deeper into hurt. Deeper into depression.
I presented the image that everything was okay and I found ways to tell myself that everything was. Like many, partying, drinking, and other relationships were the perfect distractions. Piercings and tattoos were also my thing. I sold the story that “This is me and I don’t care what you think because I am happy and carefree”. Survey said!… THAT was a LIE.
I lived that lie until the day God saved me.
I think God finally had enough OR He just finally had me where I needed to be. In my mind I had nothing to live for. I was in the final year of my degree (somehow I got there) and everything was falling apart. I was four months into my thesis that was due in the fifth but nothing was happening. I had no thoughts, I had no plans, I had no ideas but I stared blankly ahead. My heart wanted to but nothing was allowing me to work towards the final thing. I WAS STAGNANT.
During all this, my mother was praying. She was back from the United States. Her marriage was failing and her family was in pieces. She returned with much more weight than what her luggage carried. She was torn, she was hurt, she was broken. Although, her departure and the series of events following were all in God’s will, it didn’t make sense at the time. All she knew was that she was summoned by the Holy Ghost to return to her family and do her part in making things right. She was here and her only desire was to pray.
She prayed and God started His work in me. She prayed and the strongholds over my life became weaker and weaker. She prayed and all the desires I had faded. She prayed and one day I surrendered. After constant running, after constant tears, I surrendered. I broke free from all the things that held me captive. I became FREE.
My salvation came with an extension on my project the day it was due. I completed it within a month (Click to see Project ) and graduated with second class honours. My salvation came with multiple promises that God continues to fulfill. My salvation came with Jeremiah 29:11 that says: I know the plans I have for you… My salvation came with a renewed outlook on life, a sense of purpose, joy, happiness, an increase in faith among many other things. But, most importantly, my salvation came with peace and hope.
Many who knew me then can honestly say that I am a completely different person. For those who witnessed my transformation, I thank you for being there. For those who walked out of my life, I am deeply sorry. For those who are rooted and cemented in my life for divine reasons, I will always care and live to not disappoint. I could write for hours and the story wouldn’t end. Just know that whatever mistakes I made helped to bring me here. Whatever mistakes I have made have equipped me to function in every role I am in today. They came with hurt, pain, and regret. But, most importantly, they came with lessons.
Don’t hate your mistakes, don’t hate your unfortunate experiences, don’t hate your pain. They are all necessary ingredients. They are all needed to shape who you are today. Don’t ever give up. Don’t ever give up the opportunity to give God a chance.
God bless you.