A Call to Holy Living – 1 Peter 1: 13 – 16
13 So prepare your minds for action and exercise self-control. Put all your hope in the gracious salvation that will come to you when Jesus Christ is revealed to the world. 14 So you must live as God’s obedient children. Don’t slip back into your old ways of living to satisfy your own desires. You didn’t know any better then. 15 But now you must be holy in everything you do, just as God who chose you is holy.16 For the Scriptures say, “You must be holy because I am holy.”
Journey to Homosexuality
Holiness is God’s standard of living for His people. I found that out back in the year 2014 when I was neck deep in a homosexual lifestyle. Over a year into my first committed relationship with a woman, I found myself lost. I was distraught that the plans I had for myself clashed with this new lifestyle I had submerged myself into. One close look at my life made me realize that the childhood dreams of marriage and children seemed far-fetched. But, I found ways to accept it and move on with my life. My girlfriend knew something was wrong. I didn’t want to hurt her by leaving so I stayed and hoped to be rescued from my inner turmoil.
How did I get here?
Curiosity, that’s how. This story goes so far back I don’t think my blog has enough space to hold it all. Please wait for the memoir because it’s coming. Until then, I will try to tell the important parts of the story the best ways I know how. This isn’t the first time I am publicly sharing this truth. However, it is my first in-depth post on this platform. I have shared my testimony verbally on many platforms here in Jamaica. So, there’s no shame. I have been wanting to post a series like this for quite some time but the moment wasn’t right. In 2018, spiritual revelations hit me about my past and present. I sensed that persons I knew from the gay community watched how I handled topics concerning them.
Seriously, how did I get here…
I don’t consider myself as someone who had a rough childhood. But, I don’t believe I had the most ideal childhood either. Like most Jamaicans, parenting was neither structured nor done by the books. Most parents in Jamaica winged it and a lot was done on the basis of survival and “making it” financially. During my first year of high school, my mother decided to leave and work overseas to help support the family. She was working minimum wage and trying to help set a foundation for one young adult male she had at sixteen years. Her other teenage son was venturing through his high school career. With no father figure in their lives and two younger girls coming up, she wanted to be more financially stable.
The Departure
Her departure really hit hard. In my most critical years, I wouldn’t have my mother around to help me navigate. My introverted nature didn’t make the process any easier either. I would choose to deal with my issues on my own than bother someone else with my problems. With her departure, my father’s infidelity, the changes of puberty, I hit an identity crisis. My first attempt at finding myself resulted in a five-year relationship with a male and that relationships was no good for me. The relationship was the best at first then it grew from love to hate. I became emotionally dependent. Emotional and later physical abuse became my reality.
New Lifestyle
A final attempt to cut me off resulted in depression and my efforts to numb the numbness of the pain were futile. I got more body piercings, more tattoos and found a useless rebound relationship that cemented my new thoughts about men. So I thought, why not go the other way. I convinced myself that men would never work, I hated them, and I would be better off with a woman. The opportunity presented itself so I took it. The power of a made up mind and longing should have been evident then. The fact that I wanted nothing more than experience, pulled everything right into my hands. She wasn’t mine but I had what I wanted and my pain would be poured into every aspect of this new me. Turns out, this girl was BAGGAGE. If I mention who this person is you would bust out laughing.
On to the next
She had about four of us and new prospects but everything looks red when you’re wearing rose coloured glasses. I didn’t care, I just wanted the experience. I am lying if I post that I hadn’t fantasized about my now reality but that’s another blog post. And, sadly, the reality is that many young women are struggling with the same urges – even in the church. That relationship ended and it was on to the next. I was depressed and hurting; the void was still there so, I fooled around a bit. You would be surprised how many curious girls exist. To be continued…
Read Part II here where I open up about my two-year “serious” lesbian relationship. Sign up below for notifications.
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Amoy is intent on fulfilling God’s will and purpose for her life. She is a celebrity publicist, a proud Jamaican, a writer, an international speaker, a media practitioner and a published author. She loves all things luxury and is on a mission to become one of the wealthiest women from her island and in the world. 40 under 40, is that you?